In a groundbreaking revelation that has left military officials questioning their choice of career paths, the Pentagon has released its latest UFO report, confirming what we’ve all suspected: aliens are terrible at spacecraft design. The report, spanning from 1991 to 2022, details sightings that suggest extraterrestrial beings might have skipped basic geometry classes in their advanced civilizations.
Department of Peculiar Shapes Division Established
The Pentagon has established a new department specifically dedicated to categorizing unconventional aerial phenomena, tentatively named “The Department of ‘What The Heck Is That?’ Affairs.” According to insider sources, they’ve already exhausted their annual budget on protractors and shape-sorting toys.
“We’ve had to completely revise our aircraft identification manual,” admits General James Thompson, who insisted on being interviewed from inside a pyramid-shaped tent. “How do you file a report about a floating brain? Under ‘B’ for brain? ‘F’ for floating? Or ‘W’ for ‘What in heaven’s name is that?'”
Highlights from the Report Include:
- Flying Jellyfish: Described as “like a jellyfish, but flying, and presumably not as wet”
- Floating Brains: Leading to speculation that aliens have outsourced their thinking to external processors
- Boomerangs: Suggesting that Australia might have been right all along
- Various Unidentifiable Geometric Shapes: “Shapes that would make Euclidean geometry cry,” according to one mathematician
Military Response Protocol Updates
The Pentagon has issued new guidelines for military personnel encountering these phenomena:
- Step 1: Question your life choices
- Step 2: Attempt to classify shape using kindergarten flashcards
- Step 3: If shape resembles anything from a Picasso painting, file under “Modern Art”
- Step 4: Take a moment to contemplate existence
- Step 5: Fill out Form 27B-6, “I Swear I Was Sober When I Saw This”
New Training Programs
The Air Force has initiated special training programs including:
- “Introduction to Non-Euclidean Geometry for Pilots”
- “How to Keep a Straight Face While Reporting a Flying Brain”
- “Advanced Shape Recognition: Beyond Squares and Circles”
- “Dealing with Floating Jellyfish: A Pilot’s Guide to Aerial Marine Biology”
Scientific Community Response
Dr. Sarah Martinez, leading astrophysicist at MIT, commented: “We expected advanced civilizations to have mastered interstellar travel. Instead, they seem to have mastered abstract art.” She added, “It’s like they’re designing spacecraft based on a toddler’s drawings.”
Budget Implications
The Pentagon has requested additional funding for:
- Extra-large sketch pads for witness descriptions
- 3D printers to recreate the shapes (currently broken due to “impossible geometry”)
- Therapy sessions for air traffic controllers
- A subscription to “Advanced Shapes Monthly”
- A complete set of children’s building blocks for reference
International Reaction
Other countries have responded to the Pentagon’s report:
- France: Claimed the flying brains were merely misidentified cheese wheels
- Britain: Suggested the floating jellyfish might be looking for tea
- Russia: Denied everything while building boomerang-shaped aircraft
- Australia: “Finally, someone else believes in boomerangs!”
Public Safety Guidelines
The Pentagon has issued public safety guidelines for civilian encounters with geometric anomalies:
- If you see a floating brain, do not attempt to engage in telepathic communication
- Avoid throwing boomerangs at boomerang-shaped UFOs
- Do not attempt to catch floating jellyfish with traditional fishing nets
- If encountered, do not ask flying brains to help with crossword puzzles
Future Implications
The Pentagon’s report concludes with several concerning questions:
- Are these shapes indicative of advanced technology, or do aliens just have an unusual sense of humor?
- Should geometry textbooks be updated to include “impossible shapes from beyond”?
- Will future aircraft designers need to study abstract art?
- Is there a cosmic reason why aliens can’t stick to simple circles?
Conclusion
As the Pentagon continues to grapple with these unconventional sightings, one thing becomes clear: either we’re being visited by extremely advanced civilizations with questionable design choices, or the universe has a much more developed sense of humor than previously thought.
Note: The Pentagon has requested that all future UFOs stick to more conventional shapes to simplify the paperwork.