In a groundbreaking development that has rocked the corporate world, a new workplace trend called “quiet quitting” – the art of doing exactly what your job requires and nothing more – has been found to require more effort than actually working hard.
Local office worker Sarah Chen reports spending up to six hours daily calculating precisely how little work she can do without getting fired. “It’s exhausting,” she admits, while meticulously documenting her minimum viable productivity in a 47-page spreadsheet. “I’ve developed a complex algorithm to determine the exact moment I should leave my desk each day.”
The movement has spawned a whole industry of “quiet quitting consultants” who charge premium rates to teach people how to work less effectively. Leading consultant Mark Thompson offers workshops such as:
- “Strategic Mediocrity: The Art of Being Just Good Enough”
- “Advanced Mouse Jiggling: Maintaining Your ‘Active’ Status While Napping”
- “Mastering the Busy Look While Doing Nothing”
- “Professional Development in Minimal Development”
Major corporations are scrambling to adapt to this new reality. Tech giant MegaCorp has introduced a “Mediocrity Metrics Dashboard” to help managers track exactly how little their teams are achieving. “We need to quantify our employees’ lack of extra effort,” explains HR Director Janet Williams. “It’s important to ensure everyone is consistently underperforming at acceptable levels.”
The trend has even spawned its own vocabulary:
- “Strategic unavailability” (formerly known as hiding)
- “Engagement minimalization” (ignoring emails)
- “Productivity right-sizing” (doing less)
- “Calendar optimization” (blocking your schedule with fake meetings)
- “Selective skill deployment” (pretending not to know how to do things)
One anonymous employee reports spending three weeks creating an automated system that makes it appear he’s working while he’s actually learning to juggle. “The irony that I worked harder to avoid work isn’t lost on me,” he admits, while perfectly executing a three-ball cascade.
Companies are now offering specialized training programs:
- “How to Look Busy While Staring into Space”
- “Advanced Meeting Camera Malfunction Techniques”
- “The Art of Strategic ‘Reply All’ Avoidance”
- “Professional Background Noise Generation for Remote Calls”
Local manager Tom Davidson expressed confusion about the trend: “One of my employees submitted a 100-page proposal outlining why they shouldn’t have to submit proposals anymore. I’m not sure they understand the concept.”
The movement has even affected workplace design. Office furniture company WorkSpace Plus has introduced a new line of “Minimal Effort Maximizing” chairs, specially designed to look productive while allowing for optimal napping positions.
Meanwhile, productivity app developers are cashing in with new software like:
- “Slack Status Pro” (automatically cycles through statuses to appear active)
- “Meeting Decline Master” (provides AI-generated excuses)
- “Minimal Effort Tracker” (helps ensure you’re not accidentally working too hard)
In related news, a group of quiet quitters recently attempted to organize a protest, but decided it was too much effort. Instead, they sent a passive-aggressive email expressing mild disappointment with current conditions.
Disclaimer: This article was written at exactly 40% effort, as per current quiet quitting guidelines.
Editor’s Note: The author of this piece has since quietly quit writing editor’s notes, leaving this section intentionally incomplete