In what might be the least surprising scientific breakthrough of 2024, researchers at the prestigious Institute of Obvious Feline Studies have concluded that cats prefer empty cardboard boxes over expensive, technologically advanced toys. The groundbreaking study, which cost approximately $500,000 and took three years to complete, has left the scientific community wondering if they should study whether water is indeed wet.
Lead researcher Dr. Sarah Whiskers explains, “After thousands of hours of observation, we can conclusively state that cats will choose a cardboard box over a $200 robotic mouse every time. We were particularly surprised to find that the more expensive the toy, the more likely the cat was to ignore it completely in favor of the box it came in.”
The study, which involved 100 cats and an equal number of increasingly frustrated researchers, documented several key findings:
- 99% of cats preferred sitting in a box while ignoring a $150 laser-guided play station
- The remaining 1% was actually a small dog in a cat costume
- Boxes labeled “Not For Cats” were 200% more attractive to felines
- The more time spent designing a toy, the more likely a cat was to sleep in its packaging
- Cats showed particular disdain for toys labeled “As Seen on Instagram”
Local cat owner Jennifer Martinez responded to the findings: “You mean to tell me that scientists needed three years to figure out what I learned in three minutes of cat ownership? My cat Kevin currently runs a luxury resort in a Prime delivery box while his $300 automated cat gym collects dust.”
The research team also documented several unexpected behaviors:
- Cats deliberately making eye contact while slowly pushing expensive toys off tables
- Collective cat meetings in boxes to discuss their humans’ poor financial decisions
- Sophisticated box-trading networks among neighborhood cats
- Cats filing tax returns listing cardboard boxes as dependents
The pet industry has responded swiftly to these findings. PetTech Industries has announced a new line of “Smart Boxes” featuring WiFi connectivity, LED displays, and blockchain technology, completely missing the point of the study. The boxes will retail for $399.99 and come in a larger, more appealing regular cardboard box that cats will actually use.
“We’re revolutionizing the box industry,” claims PetTech CEO Mark Barker. “Our Smart Boxes include AI-powered corner detection, real-time occupancy monitoring, and social media integration. Though in initial testing, cats seemed more interested in the bubble wrap we used for shipping.”
The study has also led to some unexpected market trends:
- Amazon stock rising due to increased orders from cat owners seeking boxes
- A new startup offering “Artisanal Free-Range Boxes” for $50 each
- Underground box trading networks among cat owners
- Luxury brands launching “Designer Box Collections”
Local cat Whiskers McFluff, speaking through a series of dismissive tail movements, commented: “Human scientists spent three years studying this? I could have told them in three seconds, but they never asked. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to ignore my new $500 cat tree in favor of this tuna can box.”
The research team is now embarking on an ambitious five-year study to determine whether cats actually want closed doors to remain closed, with early results suggesting this might be their most challenging project yet.
Disclaimer: No boxes were harmed during this study, though several expensive cat toys are currently living in therapy.
Editor’s Note: This article was written from inside a cardboard box, as our office cat refused to let us use the desk.